Why Dora Sucks and also I suck but that's chill

The Show

Dora the Explorer

The Theme Song

Doo doo doo doo doo Dora!
Doo doo doo doo doo Dora!
Doo doo doo doo doo Dora!
Dora Dora Dora the Exploraaaaaaahhhhhhhh! 

(Note: If you get an old episode of Dora, you get the opening sequence of her walking around what appears to be the lamest side-scroller video game ever made. It makes Rastan look like something directed by Christopher Nolan. The first episodes of Dora must have been produced on a stolen ThinkPad. For newer episodes, you get Dora flying through the jungle and shit, swinging around like Spider-Man with a bowl cut.)

The Mythology

Dora has been on the air for 13 years now, but it feels as if it’s been around for five times as long. Even non-parents know who Dora is, and that’s very much to their detriment, because Dora sucks. Dora is a tiny little girl of pan-Latino ancestry who has virtually NO parental supervision of any kind. Dora’s mom, who is apparently too goddamn busy to be a hands-on parent, happily lets her shrieking child go wandering off to any number of potentially dangerous and far-off places. Who just allows a child to head off to Tall Mountain with a purple monkey as a chaperone? And who lets their kid play soccer against a roaming pack of dinosaurs? They foul HARD. It’s irresponsible, is what it is.

Episode Format

Every episode of Dora involves our spunky little heroine drawn into an adventure that requires her to navigate three separate obstacles before finally getting the sparkly jewels back from the mean king or whatever the goddamn fuck. And Doraforces you to remember these three obstacles by shouting them at you in a bizarre, lunatic Aztec war chant. “BRIDGE! LAKE! GOOEY GEYSER! BRIDGE! LAKE! GOOEY GEYSER!” Then you gotta sing this whole awful song, which I will repeat here because I know it by heart because FUCK:

Come on vamanos!
Everybody let’s go!
Come on let’s get to it!
I know that we can do it!
Where are we going?
(clap clap clap)
(screams name of destination)
Where are we going?
(clap clap clap)
(screams name of destination)
Where are we going?
(clap clap clap)
(screams name of destination)
(screams name of destination one final time)

This is how the Hitler Youth were indoctrinated. But more important, this shows you just how empty and predictable every episode of Dora is. Why do they chant, “Where are we going?” three times? To burn airtime, people. Like a Gregg Easterbrook column, 90 percent of a Dora script already exists in Autotext. Just change “Gooey Geyser” to “Enchanted Taco Hut” and you’ve got yourself a new episode. Kids know this. My kids don’t even buy into Dora anymore. They know that this shit is staler than week-old pita bread. I can’t imagine what the writers room for Dora is like. These are all probably guys who were aiming to write the next Modern Family. Instead, they’re stuck in a windowless room in Orlando trying to figure out a chant for Dora that will also work in an ice show. Life is merciless.


Dora: Just the loudest child anyone has ever conceived of. Dora never speaks quietly. She talks in this deranged cheer-shout that can be heard from miles away. Even now, with no TV on, I can hear Dora commanding me to choose which item from her backpack will help open the magic barn door (SPOILER ALERT: It was a key!). Closet lesbian.

Boots: Dora’s best friend. Not a pet. Very important that you know that the purple monkey doing Dora’s bidding isn’t some kind of perverse indentured primate manservant. Just a buddy helping out. Sure, people. Whatever.

Backpack: Magic backpack that holds everything but requires you to listen to its stupid song as a kind of cover charge for its use. You get the same eight songs every week. I’m so tired. I’m so very tired.

Swiper: The “villain,” a masked fox. And really, does he need the mask? Doesn’t that actually give his identity AWAY? Take it off and Swiper is just a normal fox. He might be able to sneak up on Boots and snap his neck with his powerful jawtrap that way. Instead, he throws on a Green Hornet mask that announces to the whole world that he’s about to steal your shit. All Dora has to do to stop Swiper from nicking all her Junior Kotex is hold up her hand and go, “SWIPER NO SWIPING!” (You are encouraged to join in with her.) Then Swiper lets out his catchphrase—”Oh, mannnnnn!”—and sulks away. Yes, that’s his catchphrase. The bar for writing on kids’ TV shows is lower than you could ever possibly fathom.

Swiper is the Chief Villain in the world of Dora, but in half of the episodes, they pretty much make him a good guy, which defeats the whole purpose of it. Nothing ruins a villain faster than a cheap face turn. I strongly feel that the essence of Swiper has been lost. 

Map: Fuck the Map. The Map is horrible: “DORA WANTS TO GET TO THE GOOEY GEYSER! WELL I KNOW A WAY TO THE GOOEY GEYSER!!!” It’s like being yelled at by a Lower East Side deli owner for eight minutes. Just the worst. Why did they hire Mario Cantone’s voice double for this? And his song is somehow even worse. “I’M THE MAP I’M THE MAP I’M THE MAP I’M THE MAP I’M THE MAP!” Really? I thought you were an ice cream cone! No shit, buddy.

Benny the Bull, Isa the Iguana, Tico the Squirrel: Assorted talking animals.

Superbabies: Dora’s lying twin baby siblings who were introduced late in the series’s run for a cheap ratings boost. Because adding a baby to a series always adds new life to it!

Best Episode


Worst Episodes

“Meet Diego!” This is the one in which we are first introduced to Dora’s older cousin, Diego, in a blatant launch vehicle for the spinoff series Go Diego Go!, which is even worse than Dora. It’s like when Kate Walsh got an entire episode of Grey’s Anatomy as a de facto pilot episode of Private Practice. YOU GUYS KNOW WHAT I’M TALKIN’ ’BOUT.


Dora was the first big bilingual children’s cartoon. For many English-speaking kids, it’s their first exposure to the Spanish language, which is nice. For many bilingual kids, it’s accessible, which is nice. I just wish it didn’t come in the guise of a screaming latchkey idiot child. I guarantee you there are angry rednecks out there who bristle every time Dora starts yelling in Spanish at their kids. THIS IS ’MERICA. SPEAK ’MERICAN, LITTLE SEN-YO-RITA.


LOUD. So loud. Dora addresses the viewer directly all the time, and I just want her to leave me the hell alone. I think it’s great that she’s proud of me for helping her get to the Jellybean Desert, but I don’t need that “WE DID IT” song humping my face for five minutes every week as my reward. 

And Dora now exists in every possible medium: games, toys, school supplies, toothpaste, and so on. She’s omnipresent. Like God, if God were a loud pain in the ass. I can’t escape her. I turn on my CPU, and she’s demanding that I add more balloons to her train. Piss off, lady. Do your own homework for once.

Sam HenriComment
8 Reasons Why You Should Never Invite Pitbull To A Party
Photo by Theo Wargo/Getty Images Entertainment / Getty Images

Photo by Theo Wargo/Getty Images Entertainment / Getty Images

1. Before he enters the party, he has already gone around and riled up all the dogs in the neighborhood. He likes to make a big entrance and having a barrage of dog barks makes him feel special.

2. He knows how to speak perfect English, and even if he knows you only speak English, he is going to talk to you in Spanish. Why does he do that? I don’t know. Ask him. I’m sure you’ll get a good answer.

3. He asks everyone if he can feature on their new song. You don’t have to be the next Katy Perry to have Pitbull rap (or whatever you call what he does) on your newest song. One time he asked me to be in my music video. I’ve never made a music video. He wasn’t even drunk, he just takes whatever he can get.

4. He is sort of like a Pokémon. When he gets uncomfortable or doesn’t know how to respond to a question, he just says “Pitbull!” and winks. I think he just likes to say his own name a lot. Sometimes I wonder if he was hit on his head as a child.

5. He tries to get with all of the women. He uses famous quotes from his hit songs to try and lure women in, such as, “Can’t promise tomorrow, but I promise tonight. DA-LE!” and “Forget about your boyfriend, and meet me at the hotel room!” This guy does not stay in hotel rooms. I don’t even know why he would say that. He asked me to sleep on my couch last time I had him over.

6. He doesn’t even drink. He always talks about drinking so much in his music, but I swear I caught him pouring out alcohol in the backyard. Don’t invite Pitbull to the party if you want to conserve your booze. I asked him what he was doing, and all he said was, “DA-LE!” And speaking of dale…

7. He won’t stop saying “Da-le”. It's constant. What the fuck does that even mean? Have you ever tried to Google that? Nobody knows what it means. He just makes up words.

8. He’s just plain socially awkward. This guy will come up to a group of people at a party and just yell some inspirational shit that doesn’t even make sense, like, “Try hard today so tomorrow it be better! Mr. Worldwide!”, “Don’t make a baby unless you ready for it! Da-le!” or even “The past has passed, the future is unknown, and today is a present! Want to have sex? Mr. 305!” I mean that second one sort of made sense but still. Come on.

I’m not telling you that you should NEVER invite Pitbull to a party, I’m just giving you a heads up on what to expect. If you ever need extra people though, he will literally show up to any party. Good luck!

Sam HenriComment
ColorWolf Coloring Book App Review + Download Link

     About a year ago, I made this silly video talking a coloring book app while filling in a drawing of a child kicking a hellish monster in the 'nads. For some reason, it's the third video that comes up when you search for "coloring book app" on YouTube. 

     ColorWolf, a new coloring book app, approached me and asked if I'd make a video talking about their app. I obliged. Here is that video, and you get get ColorWolf by tapping the link under the embedded video.

Download for iOS:

Download for Android:

Sam HenriComment
HOW TO: Run Google Fuchsia Without Wiping Your Phone
The prototype design of Fuchsia's menu bar running on a Google Pixel

The prototype design of Fuchsia's menu bar running on a Google Pixel

     Project Fuchsia is an odd OS that Google quietly released on their Github. Recently, Fuchsia underwent a major overhaul, including a tectonic shift in kernels and a cleaned up UI dubbed Armadillo.

     Developer Kyle Bradshaw downloaded the latest source code to Fuchsia, wrapped it up in a neat, little .apk file, and made it publicly available for free. All you need is an Android phone and the setting for installing outsider .apk files turned on (see here)

Learn more about Fuchsia here:

Download the Fuchsia APK here. (Direct Link)