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8 Reasons Why You Should Never Invite Pitbull To A Party

 Photo by Theo Wargo/Getty Images Entertainment / Getty Images

Photo by Theo Wargo/Getty Images Entertainment / Getty Images

1. Before he enters the party, he has already gone around and riled up all the dogs in the neighborhood. He likes to make a big entrance and having a barrage of dog barks makes him feel special.

2. He knows how to speak perfect English, and even if he knows you only speak English, he is going to talk to you in Spanish. Why does he do that? I don’t know. Ask him. I’m sure you’ll get a good answer.

3. He asks everyone if he can feature on their new song. You don’t have to be the next Katy Perry to have Pitbull rap (or whatever you call what he does) on your newest song. One time he asked me to be in my music video. I’ve never made a music video. He wasn’t even drunk, he just takes whatever he can get.

4. He is sort of like a Pokémon. When he gets uncomfortable or doesn’t know how to respond to a question, he just says “Pitbull!” and winks. I think he just likes to say his own name a lot. Sometimes I wonder if he was hit on his head as a child.

5. He tries to get with all of the women. He uses famous quotes from his hit songs to try and lure women in, such as, “Can’t promise tomorrow, but I promise tonight. DA-LE!” and “Forget about your boyfriend, and meet me at the hotel room!” This guy does not stay in hotel rooms. I don’t even know why he would say that. He asked me to sleep on my couch last time I had him over.

6. He doesn’t even drink. He always talks about drinking so much in his music, but I swear I caught him pouring out alcohol in the backyard. Don’t invite Pitbull to the party if you want to conserve your booze. I asked him what he was doing, and all he said was, “DA-LE!” And speaking of dale…

7. He won’t stop saying “Da-le”. It's constant. What the fuck does that even mean? Have you ever tried to Google that? Nobody knows what it means. He just makes up words.

8. He’s just plain socially awkward. This guy will come up to a group of people at a party and just yell some inspirational shit that doesn’t even make sense, like, “Try hard today so tomorrow it be better! Mr. Worldwide!”, “Don’t make a baby unless you ready for it! Da-le!” or even “The past has passed, the future is unknown, and today is a present! Want to have sex? Mr. 305!” I mean that second one sort of made sense but still. Come on.

I’m not telling you that you should NEVER invite Pitbull to a party, I’m just giving you a heads up on what to expect. If you ever need extra people though, he will literally show up to any party. Good luck!

Sam HenriComment